Anelka "My Arsenal career was going from strength to strength until I crossed Vieira"

Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are are already labelling ’shocking’ and ‘compelling.’

The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary.

“I wasn’t accepted anywhere I went.” Says Anelka with heart breaking honesty.

In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’

However none of the targets suffer the wrath of Anelka as much as former team mate Patrick Vieira, whom Anelka describes as a ‘world class git.’

In excerpts to be serialised in the Guardian Anelka reveals:

“My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’

At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then…..WHAM!

Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!”

Anelka’s book reveals how he only regained his confidence eventually playing alongside Paul Dickov at Manchester City. “He could fit it in a polo.” Anelka reveals.

However not all are sympathatic to Anelka’s plight. Diagne N’dour, Vieira’s life long agent and business partner, described Anelka’s book as a ‘disgrace.’

N’dour wrote on his website that, if anything, Anelka should be privileged that he was allowed to touch Vieira’s chopper:

“In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker. Instead of painting my client as a tyrant Mr Anelka should be apologising for sullying my clients penis with his miserable, miserable face.”

Patrick Vieira is yet to comment on these accusations.

Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th from Penguin.

Credit to crabfootball.wordpress.com

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86 Comments

  1. adam

    August 9, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    at least if viera wants a new job.he would make a good porn star with the 14inch hot rod

  2. BarneyStinson

    August 9, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Hillarious!

  3. AdeTheGunner

    August 9, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Brilliant mate, good on you. I’m also checking out the site ‘Crab Football’, it’s a definite visit, however, I’d suggest a few aesthetic changes. I hope we get more frequent reads. Cheers!

  4. Sangi

    August 9, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    yeah, I agree

  5. dave

    August 10, 2009 at 12:29 am

    too funny

  6. Edmund Simpson

    August 10, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    Nice one, son. My week has gotten off to a better start than usual thanks to this highly amusing satire.
    Makes a decent change from your usual..ermm polemics.

  7. aheralta

    August 10, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    amazing post, congratulations from spain. Regards

  8. michael vincent

    August 10, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    what a load of s**t i have heard in my life anelka is a f***ing prat and need a f***ing life

  9. tony

    August 10, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    true very, very true

  10. tony

    August 10, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    what a load of s**t i have heard in years and anelka needs a f***ing life the stupid p***k

  11. raif

    August 10, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    In Your Face Bitch… IN YOUR FACCCEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

    HAHAHAHA..

  12. rody

    August 11, 2009 at 5:47 am

    tHere a player that to move,

  13. Mrs Wenger

    August 11, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Its true, I seen it myself

  14. mayor

    August 11, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    tooooo funny. i think this should be a movie

  15. Alec

    August 11, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    Brilliant post. Was linked to it from a Hammers forum. The only thing that bothers me is that Anelka should have sued for harassment at that time in order to substantiate his claims … oh wait, it was all made up!

    I think you need to edit some of these comments as they’re not reflecting well on gooners. Flipping funny piece. Good work.

  16. adolombou

    August 12, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    he could fit that thing in a polo! haaaa

  17. jonny

    August 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    its true. its longer than 14″. when i met him a few years back, he had to keep tucking it in his sock.

  18. stan

    August 12, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    omg! if vieira did that he shud get a fine I cant believe the manager gave hima high five. it just shows how wenger is destroying all the values of the club if he allowed something like this to happen. I dont blame anelka for leaving then tbh O_o

  19. 90percenttrue

    August 12, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Just in case anyone thought his was real….

    http://crabfootball.wordpress.com/anelkas-autobiography/

  20. phil

    August 14, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    If he had a 14″ c*ck, it wud be hanging out the bottom of his shorts. Therefore must be bullsh*t.

  21. funny

    August 15, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    woooooww very2 thanks to share 😛 i always came to visit ur blog

  22. Pingback: Anelka - "It's not me. It's everyone else"

  23. Joseph Gobbels

    August 18, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Anelka never played for Galatasaray! He played for Fenerbahce in Turkey.

  24. Dave

    August 20, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Do you not believe in underwear?

    Most players wear right boxers / ball stranglers to keep everything in.

    If you played in loose fitting underwear everyones bits would be hanging out when they are stretching for the ball, sliding, falling over etc etc

  25. Barry

    August 20, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    idiot…

  26. Guernican

    August 21, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    So this is what 5 trophyless years does to a club’s fans.

  27. Amazed

    August 22, 2009 at 7:25 am

    I don’t know whats funnier, the Actual Article/Blog ( Quality whoever wrote It quality !!) or the Nutters and simple people who beleive the reason NA left was because He was slapped across his Mush with a 14 inch Penis !! Bad Bad Noobs !

  28. Betfair

    August 23, 2009 at 4:47 am

    Excellent piece. There are some serious retards on here taking it seriously though, letting the side down badly

  29. Emretore

    September 5, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Hey, he didn’t play for Galatasaray. He had played for Fenerbahçe SK. Check it from internet when you write something. Cheers…

  30. Allan Gillies

    September 5, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Despite suffering from micropenis syndrome, I can appreciate the sheer male strenght of viera and certainly would not mess. I understand Anelka’s plight.

  31. Ben Hutchinson

    September 8, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    What a cuss ; ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’
    “it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper”… That’s the funniest football anecdote I’ve ever heard! Thanks mate. X

  32. 90percenttrue

    September 15, 2009 at 8:38 am

  33. web tasarımı

    July 22, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    anelka played for fenerbahçe !

  34. Pingback: Nicolas Anelka's Book | CRAZYFOOTY

  35. ebrahim

    July 2, 2011 at 1:04 am

    the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” ! Your turn in which way? The shower or the rod? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  36. SuperGooner87

    February 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Hahahaha!! This is too funny. The comments are priceless.

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